I don’t know what I was thinking when I joined Tinder. I was super skeptical, of course, but owing to assurances from, umm, let’s just keep this a secret, I went ahead and downloaded the app.
Now, in case you are wondering, I didn’t really end up dating anyone.
However, I got plenty of matches—matches that made me laugh out loud, matches that made me want to look away, matches that made me go ‘awww’, and matches that made me wonder why I was, well, even on the platform.
On the whole, you could say it was fun. Yes, it was. It still is.
So, don’t I get to document some of my experiences? Of course I do!
Here are the types of guys (not all) that I have encountered up until now.
In case you didn’t know, Tinder is a place where you can advertise all your achievements, including what your teacher told you about your handwriting in class 2. I once matched with a man whose first message to me (read: he didn’t wait for me to respond) was an essay on everything that he had done up till that point in time. He was some kind of an athlete, his photo had been carried in a newspaper, he had founded a company, he was an influential speaker, he could eat 20 raw eggs in a record 2.22 seconds, he felt horny while travelling by public transport…in short, he was Mr. India.
He still talks about his achievements, by the way.
Okay, I know that patience is overrated and all that jazz, but how desperate can one get to go on a date? For men belonging to this category, their pick-up line is, well, an invitation for a date! And let me tell you, this isn’t your idea of a date where two strangers meet at a coffee shop or a bar and bond over their fondness for a movie or a song, but something that is sure to throw you into a tizzy.
“Hey babe…I am planning an orgy at my place tomorrow. How about you join me, too, huh?”
“I am planning an all-avocado cookery show. Do you want to participate?”
“Hi, I am going on a ONE-MONTH road trip tomorrow…would you like to join? IT’S GONNA BE FUN, HUNNEY”
Are you Jack Kerouac? No? Then please stay away!
This is the kind that I encounter the most, because, well, I do have a pretty unusual name. But do you absolutely, ABSOLUTELY have to highlight that every two seconds? Sure, it’s a good conversation starter, but it cannot be the cusp of the conversation.
“Hi, you have a very unique name”
“What do you do?”
“I work at a bank…”
“Oh…I work at a media company.”
*2 minutes later*
“I must say that I really like your name…”
*4 minutes later*
“Did I tell you how nice your name is?”
P.S. The only good thing that comes out of such conversations is that I learn how to say the same thing differently by changing a few words here and there. Helps me at my job, you know?
He’ll start with your bindi, and proceed to your nose pin. He’ll then go on to your lipstick and the pendant that looks hideous on you but you wear it anyway. Oh, no, I ain’t talking dirty here.
Here is a man who wants to praise you, but in a way that doesn’t make you cringe.
“Hey, is that a ring on your nose? It looks really good on you!”
“Hey, is the colour of your lipstick pink? I have always had a soft corner for pink.”
“Hey, is that an earring in your ear? It reminds me of Humayun’s tomb.”
CRINGE LEVEL 101.
First picture on Tinder: Muscular man in a langot at a gym.
Second picture on Tinder: Muscular man talking a selfie in a langot in his bedroom.
Third picture on Tinder: Muscular man in a langot on his sofa.
Fourth picture on Tinder: Muscular man in a langot drinking beer.
Fifth picture on Tinder: Muscular man in a langot on a date.
The last one was a lie, but you get the hint, don’t you?
Is beer your favourite alcoholic beverage? Yes?
Then, please do install Tinder. You are sure to match with someone who’ll never fall short of recommending you a “couple of really cool pubs, ya”.
He’ll also talk about the first time he tasted beer, and how it made him so drunk that he thought he was riding a jet over Mt. Titlis.
He’ll also talk about the second time he tasted beer, and how it didn’t make him drunk at all, and how he went on to gulp at least 20 pints, and how he still didn’t get drunk.
He’ll also talk about the third time, and the fourth, and the fifth…It just won’t stop.
He’s the man who’s really broken. Guess why? It’s because he has travelled a thousand miles (read: metaphorically) in the Sahara in search of a drop of water. He’s the one who has navigated the dense rainforests (read: metaphorically) of Amazon for days and nights. He’s the one who has walked from one end of the tunnel to the other for that flicker of light (read: metaphorically). And when he got back home, he installed Tinder on his phone, hoping that he’d find someone…someone who’d act as balm to his tired soul.
“Babe, babe, I am tired. Can’t you see, babe?”
What can you do about matches that got you excited in the first place, but didn’t really live up to your expectations after a brief conversation?
YOU JUST LET THEM BE.
YOU JUST LET THEM IMAGINE THAT THEY ARE LOST IN A TUNNEL, WITH A PEN TORCH TO GUIDE THEM; PERHAPS, ALSO A BOTTLE OF BRANDY TO KEEP THEM COMPANY?
“Hello, anybody there?”
“Helloooo, anybody there?”
*torch goes off*
If you are going to be putting up pictures of only the back of your head on Tinder, make sure that you are either George Clooney, or that bhaiyya from the pani puri stall who makes a lot of women salivate. And if you think that your butt pictures will make the cut, you are awfully mistaken. Like, don’t I, umm, need a face to have a chat? Okay, I need to stop.
Okay, let’s get this straight—I am not very fond of pets, especially dogs. And, one time, while chatting with a Tinder match, I made the mistake of being vocal about it.
“Is that your dog in your pictures?”
“Well, yes…isn’t he cute?”
“I don’t like dogs, actually… So I don’t know what to say…”
“How can you not like dogs? Like how? And by saying that, you just made fun of my pet!”
“OK…OK…I am sorry. What’s his name?”
“I would appreciate if you didn’t send me pictures of your Dick…”
Nah, I didn’t really tell him that.